Petunia Chronicles, Part II

Editor's Note: Click here to read Part I of the Petunia Chronicles

George Bernard Shaw once said that the problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished. Truer words were never spoken when it comes to my mom’s relationship with Grandma Petunia, her mother-in-law. Petunia seems to hear in half sentences and she speaks with them as well. The resulting situations are partial disaster.

Just before Thanksgiving, Petunia went to the bank and took out $400; the next day she went back and took out another $200. She told my parents it was for spending money. Unfortunately, the money had already been spent covering her monthly bills.

Mom makes sure that Petunia's bills are paid out of her account every month, but since Petunia is not personally paying the bills, she seems to think that whatever money is in the account when she accesses her balance is money she still has to spend. She does not use checks; she goes to the bank and takes out cash. Nobody knows what she spends it on because cash has no paper trail and she isn’t telling.

Grandma P. recently attended a seminar at a seafood chain, lured by the offer of a free lunch. The team hosting the seminar talked about annuities and what a wonderful investment they are, and mentioned that you could cash in your life insurance policy and put the money in high-yield annuities. Petunia was sold. She called the life insurance company and had them send her a check, and she mentioned her plan to my father. He told her that with so many annuity scams out there, it would be wise to put the money into a 30-day certificate of deposit until they could research the company. He also told her she would have to pay taxes on the money from her life insurance policy and should set money aside for that purpose. Instead, she put the money in a 7-month certificate, with another family member, who lives across the country, as co-signer. The 7 months is up after taxes are due, and she did not save the money to pay them. 
 
With aging comes loss—of health, of energy, of peers. It is small wonder that many elderly people try to maintain control over as many things as they can. My parents talk to Petunia on the phone multiple times a day and have been making trips to visit her at least every other month. They try to discuss spending habits and not falling for scams. They are trying to help, but to someone who has been unable to control so many losses, maybe Petunia views their good intentions as simply a further erosion of her own control.

It all comes down to communication. Communication with older adults means taking the time to listen and really hear as well as making statements or asking questions in a respectful way that does not compromise the senior’s need to exert control over his or her affairs.

To anyone in a personal or professional relationship with an elderly person, we would highly recommend reading How To Say It to Seniors by David Solie, M.S., P.A. (Prentice Hall Press, 2004). As stated by the publisher, “Solie helps us understand the unique perspective of seniors, and gives us the tools to relate to them.”

Don't tell, but I've already ordered a copy for my Mom's Christmas stocking.

Editor's Note: Click here to read Part I of the Petunia Chronicles